"I jumped in the river, what did I see? Black-eyed angels swam with me.
A moon full of stars and astral cars. And all the figures I used to see"
Dear Emma,
Right after we spent our last day with you, mom and I built a healing cocoon at home. We setup camp in the living room. The radio sang with the peaks and valleys of your playlist. Friends and family floated in and out of the newly sacred space as we share your story. Little Mae snuggled next to me as I found my way into a reignited relationship with existential literary landscape. You and I walked on the road together. We sat by the river listing to it’s word and absorbing a peace beyond want and suffering in which all time happens at once and we are the river.
However, another river called. It beckoned from beyond the walls of our sanctuary. I grimaced under the ever growing strain that the river of my past life, work, and world needed me to return.
It’s always been a swift stream in which sure footing is rarely guaranteed. With my return I realized my stride and steadiness was changed. I stood on the shore with a new weight, this rock I carry that is my grief. As I plunged back into the current the rock bound my hands under its weight and I felt helpless to do much more than stand and hold my position against the will of the river. I was paralyzed.
However, as the water rushed around me and current endeavored to rip my feet from under me and drag me into uncharted depths, I stood and embrace every straining muscle, every shock of pain, and the dull droning numbness that came from holding this immense weight.
Through this pain, I gained new strength. I didn’t rush into the patience and enduring rapids ahead of me. I took a breath and took my time while still standing in the river. I took each interaction, each task, each trial moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.
Today I looked tired. The weight is still so much. But I finally found the strength enough to start stepping forward down the stream against that familiar current and towards the newly formed traveler, a better traveler, on this river because of the strength I found because of you.
Love,
Dad
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